A really hard week. I have been feeling such turmoil due to the Jazz situation. I feel I have failed. I am useless and a weak rider. I do not think I am a very good rider. I do not feel I am brave or useful as a rider. I am very upset and sad in all honesty.
It probably looks like I am giving up at the first hurdle. However, unfortunately before the reign of Storm there was another large horse called Max. Who was an Irish Draft Horse and like a tank. Everything went great with him, he was an established show jumper which is the sport I was into at the time. I enjoyed some success on him.
(Remember: SAFE + CALM + CONFIDENT = SUCCESSFUL – this is how I define my success with horses).
Max unfortunately began to buck me off. Rodeo bucking style, not little hop along bucks. I worked on him and had lots of help with him until he threw me for the 2nd time in one session and I fell bang against the fence, rather hurting myself. We sent him back to his old owner after sending him to my show jumping trainer for a month and she couldn’t quite stop him bucking. As far as I know his old owner brought him back to sanity and sold him on again but I was shaken. And hurt. My mum and I had the convosation of avoiding such a situation again where possible. Of course horses are unpredictable and you’ve got what you’ve got, but never-the-less. We said we would bail out early if it went ‘wrong’ again. Hoping of course it never would.
Then we got lucky 🍀 and I found perfection in Storm. And he saved me, then exceeded my expectations and all my eventing dreams came true. We are still on that journey, improving and progressing as best we can. I am so grateful and so thankful to have come across such an incredible athlete/animal/pony/unicorn in my life.
But here is the issue with Jazz. It brings me right back to Max days when I think of getting on him. It makes me nervous. Very nervous and I really do not want to get back on. This sharp behaviour has stayed. My heart almost broke because he is such a sweet horse and when I was lunging him today he stopped and pricked his beautiful, big ears at me and I nearly broke then and there. I love him so much but at the moment I am scared to get on him. The other side of this is, I really, really can’t afford to fall off and hurt myself. I have many life-long, life-limiting health conditions. Including but not limited to Cystic Fibrosis, a double-lung transplant, diabetes, extreme HPV virus problems and new, ongoing chronic kidney failure. So because of these things, physically, I am quite weak. I’ve seemed to have lots of luck and happiness on ponies as I am much more suited to their size and strength. Even the super-strong, runaway-train-like hunters. Never bothered me much. Maybe I made a mistake. And poor Jazz, my lovely poor Jazz is paying the price for my incompetence. Still haven’t made a solid decision but I am definitely in a deep dilemma about him. What to do for his best and my best with the safest and most successful (see above^) for both of us.
On a slightly better note, I took Storm for some show jumping practice today at a nearby arena we can hire out. He was on FIRE! He was so fizzy and excited to be jumping. He loved it! Even better, I loved it. He flew over all the showjumps and even did a portable, solid xc arrowhead block. I set them at 80-95cm to make it enjoyable and easy for him. He did put a smile on my face. I really love that pony ❤️ I swear he’s not even a real pony. He’s to good. He’s defiantly a unicorn.
My main man today. He never ever fails to make me feel better. Such a good and enthusiastic boy today.